A Pastor's Confession

So you come to church on a Sunday morning.

It is time for the message and the pastor stands up and says,

"Good morning. Today is going to be a little different. I don't have a message or sermon prepared, but I thought maybe I could just talk to you about some things that have been troubling me.

For the last two or three years, I have begin to doubt many of the things I once believed. It's not been so hard to hide these things from you. Since most of the messages I preach have to do with how to be a better friend, or how to serve others, or how to have a stronger marriage, or how to deal with difficulties... it's actually been pretty easy to avoid some of the things that trouble me most.

I stand up here each and every week and feel very inadequate to be your pastor. I love you as my friends and my community, but I have found myself doubting almost everything that we have written in our church's statement of beliefs. And I have been afraid of saying this because being a pastor is all I have ever known. It's what I love to do. And even if I don't believe some of these things, I want to believe them. But wanting to believe doesn't help me to actually believe. However, my desire for knowing the truth remains the same.

I am still the same man I was yesterday... well, except for one thing. I am finally being honest about some of the things going on in my head and heart. I certainly understand that you may not want me to be your pastor any longer. But what I am hoping is that I can stick around and we can discover these truths together."

What do you do??

What should the church do??

A Pastor's Ego on Display

Some of you may remember David Trotter from our site in 2007. He was a pastor in So Cal who was giving away a car to promote Easter at his church, Revolution. If you go back and read the comments, you will see that Trotter was pretty much unwilling to join our conversation, yet instead chose to egg us on and tell us to "keep it coming" with our criticism and attacks, as he labeled them.

Well in light of recent developments, I'd be careful what you wish for David.

A few weeks ago, I received an email from an SCP reader that filled me in on what's been going on in David's life and church. Several people, close to the situation and church, report that Trotter has left his wife after having an affair with another married woman in the church whom he is apparently still in a relationship. He has resigned his position at the church and has moved on to another entrepreneurial venture.

Below, I've provided links to the sites that share the story. They seem fairly consistent and honest, but I will let you read them and draw your own conclusions.

Michelle's Ramblings
A Little Bit of Us...
Sharon's Daily Cup Of Life
RagamuffinSoul
Meanderings of a Restless Wanderer (A pastor at Revolution Church)

Since leaving his church and, from what I can gather, his wife only a few short weeks ago, David has not been a shrinking violet. On his personal website, he posted pictures of him and his new girlfriend with their children all together playing in the pool and hiking...just another new blended and happy family. On the site he wrote:

As I think about the season of life that I'm walking through, my heart is filled with hope, anticipation, love, peace, longing, and grief. May the photos that appear each day allow these same emotions to emerge in your heart once again as well.

When I saw these pictures (one with his girlfriends' head on his shoulder and another with his girlfriend holding his son), I was shocked. It was a bold and brazen display showing a lack of sensitivity for his wife of so many years. It was not only in bad taste, but it was also bordering on cruel and unusual punishment. (About a week ago, the pictures on the site were removed - so either a sense of decency crept in or possibly his lawyer suggested such actions might not be in his best interests moving forward).

I have thought long and hard about what I should say, if anything, about these developments in this man's life. I don't know David Trotter, or anyone in his family... so why do I care? Originally, I was going to write an open letter to David (much like the one I did to Ted Haggard) encouraging him and admonishing him to not lose heart in the midst of this season of life he is facing. Looking back on that letter, I think it certainly applies to David Trotter as well. I hope he will read it.

However, after seeing his personal site and this damaging attitude that he has displayed publicly on the world wide web, I just couldn't in good conscience muster up the decency. I am not sure what it is that occurs in the life of someone when they leave their family to pursue another relationship... but from what I have observed first-hand it is the ultimate in selfishness - call it temporary insanity. As I wrote in my journal recently about this very subject:

In meeting your needs at the expense of others needs, you have to "turn off" thinking about how your actions effect the other person. You might feel sadness or pain at hurting someone later, but in the moment of choosing what is best for you, you cannot consider the other person's feelings. There's a certain disconnect that occurs at that very moment.

Feeding of an ego at the expense of other people's pain becomes a vicious and destructive cycle. Once you venture down that path, there is no turning back. Things will never be the same again. David Trotter knows this first-hand now better than anyone.

At the same time, I believe that David (and again I speak from personal experience) in many ways, feels more at peace, fulfilled and happy than he has in years. While I am sure he is sad at the pain he has caused, there is probably a sense of freedom that has enveloped him in the midst of no longer having to live a dual life. I no doubt imagine that David feels that, in many ways, his life is better than it was prior to this coming to the surface. And on several levels that might even be correct.

His level of ego and selfishness, once hidden behind doing the "Lord's work", is now being lived out in the open for all of us to see. Even now on his personal website is this quote that speaks volumes:

“The mark of a great player is in his ability to come back.
The great champions have all come back from defeat.”

Certainly Trotter has shown that he is a great player. I knew that from the very first day I was introduced to him regarding the car giveaway. But, for even one moment, thinking that he was a great champion on any level in his prior life as a pastor is an inflated ego gone mad.

This story has captivated me since I heard about it. I can relate from so many angles. Mostly, I keep coming back to the Trotter I observed approximately one year ago on this site, and honestly, I wasn't surprised that it has led him to this point. However, I am a bit surprised at how he has reacted to it.

There's no judgment in these statements. Just an honest opinion from years of observations.

What guys like Trotter don't understand is that although I am critical of pastors and churches in my writings here on SCP, it's because I feel I often know them better than they know themselves.

David, I am almost certain you are reading this and I want you to know and believe this - the Stupid Church People site was created by guys like you for guys like you. Take your mask off and stay awhile. You are welcome here anytime...just check your "pastor ego" at the door.

NOTE (4/28/08): An email from a reliable source informed SCP that the reason the pictures were taken down from Trotter's personal site was that the woman had ended the relationship and returned to her family.

God Bless You.... Bitch!

True story:

While standing in Home Depot last Sunday afternoon shopping for a new tool box, a couple was standing behind me talking. For whatever reason, maybe it was the way they were dressed, I don't know... but it struck me that they had most likely just come from church. I can't explain it, but my seventh sense told me they were church people.

As they moved down the aisle away from me, the church lady inadvertently bumped into another woman standing in her way. This woman reacted (or over-reacted I should say) and said something to the effect, "Look out where your going! Can't you say excuse me!" The church lady responded, "I didn't have the chance, but I am sorry". The grumpy woman replied, "Whatever!"... and proceeded to huff down the aisle in my direction.

At that moment, the church lady's husband blurted out "God Bless You! Have a nice day!" in the most condescending, patronizing way.

To me, the way he used it was much more offensive than any other way he could have chosen to take God's name in vain. He would have been much less of a hypocrite had he just gone ahead and called her a bitch rather than using God's name to communicate that same sentiment.

Certainly the grumpy woman acted like a hag, but I am most certain that the church lady's husbands name was "Dick".

No Going Back

How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart, you begin to understand, there is no going back.

There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep…that have taken hold.

~Frodo, The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

I just thought this quote was very poignant and powerful... and also true for me on many levels.

Happy 3rd Birthday SCP

Stuff in My Head (2)

Ok... so what I am hearing is that no one can agree. And it's more than a disagreement on something inconsequential... I mean the discussion in the comments section of my previous post are pretty damn heavy.

I write that my faith has been declared dead on another blog, and everyone proceeds to comment and muddy the faith waters even further.

You would think that the Bible would be pretty clear about how one is to be certain of something as important as eternal life. Does it just boil down to a matter of opinion based on one's interpretation of scripture (as defined by the multitude of denominations that abound)?

Seriously...the Baptists don't agree with the Methodists who don't agree with the Lutherans who don't agree with the Catholics who don't agree with the Church of Christ who don't agree with the Seventh Day Adventist who might even be considered a cult...depending on who you choose to agree with.

To be honest, the stuff in my head tells me that it's all bullshit. We don't really know definitively about the subject. Seriously, I give up. It'd be easier just to go back to church (any church will do really) and believe everything they tell me. At least faith was simpler when I didn't give a damn.

My Faith is Dead (I guess)

This from Josh S. (not Josh Sager - at least to my knowedge) over at Metalutheran:

I found the link at the site, Stupid Church People. It is the blog of two pastors who started off making fun of all the silly crap in evangelicalism, eventually despaired of the silliness, fakeness, and hypocrisy of evangelicalism, left the church environment entirely to find more authentic spirituality, and ended up renouncing the faith altogether. Read this post and realize that the very things this pastor is talking about eventually killed his faith. I find this stuff fascinating because in my opinion, evangelicalism is deadly. Yes, millions grow up in it just fine, learn to know Christ there, etc. But there are many who get caught in the eddies of everything wrong with it, and it is in those vortices that anything and everything that would incline them to pay attention to anything called "Christianity" is sucked right out of them.

And some comments:

John: ...didn't those two pastors endanger their faith when they created a blog to mock their brothers?

David: Not everyone who lives through kooky fundamentalism turns out that way. Those guys chose that path . They may have lived previously among the Stupid Church People , but now as the Stupid(er) Non-Church people I can't imagine how they think they're better off....

I sometimes wonder if people like these guys were always in the back of their mind looking for a way out and their focusing on the idiotic aspects of evangelical culture was the way they justified their leaving ? If you can demonize your former community then it's much easier to leave....

I realize that I sound like I'm angry at them (by calling them Stupid Non-Church people) and I'm really not . I'm heartbroken . I'm angry at the evangelical weirdness that gives people the nudge towards God-hating and I'm angry at the God-haters (the Dawkins, Harris, Hitchens types) who so readily supply them with slick , superficial "reasons" for why they are right to reject everything about Christ...

Finally Josh S. comments: ...they think they're better off because anyone who changes his mind about anything thinks he was better off than before, since if he were to think that his previous beliefs were better than his current, he would still hold them.

In any case, right when they left the church, there is still genuine faith expressed in those blog posts. What you see, though, is this belief at the same time that the Church, Christianity as such, strictly identified with megachurch evangelicalism, has "failed," so the authentic way of following Jesus is to be found outside of it. So they left. And died a few months later. Even in the worst of that evangelical circus, there is still something of Christ. But alone, you have nothing.

-------------------------

So I've visited the site and left a couple of comments of my own, but I thought I should share this over here and let you guys in on it. Initially I was a bit defensive at some of these comments (hate when I do that knee-jerk thing), but its a good thing to read what others think you are representing.

As I told them... I am not declaring anything about my faith publicly on this site. I continue on this journey. I just enjoy sharing it publicly on the web. Certainly Josh S. (again not Sager) and his friends are free to comment on this site and declare my faith dead if they like. Church people make those types of determinations all the time based solely on limited information and externals...and Josh's flavor of church people are just like all the rest when it boils down to it... even if they don't think so.